Jewish Jokes

Jewish Jokes

by Andrea Shelor ** R6, QM6 H4 QN4 -
Number of replies: 10
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A rabbi, a priest and a monk walk into a wine bar. The bartender takes one look at them and asks, "What's this? A joke?"

Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

;-)

In reply to Andrea Shelor ** R6, QM6 H4 QN4

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Alchemo69 -

Lol....

3 days later...There is no way the king's gonna kill him immediately. That's what I call smart.....lol...

In reply to Alchemo69

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Natas -

I don't know if this could be considered a joke, but it is a very amusing story from the Jewish Talmud

On that day Rabbi Eliezer brought forward all of the arguments in the world [in favor of his position on a certain matter of ritual cleanliness], but they [his colleagues] did not accept them from him.  He said to them: “If the law agrees with me, let this carob-tree prove it.”  The carob-tree leaped a hundred cubits from its place in the garden.  The sages replied:  “No proof can be brought from a carob-tree.”  He said to them:  “If the law agrees with me, let this stream of water prove it.”  The stream of water began to flow backwards.  The sages replied:  “No proof can be brought from a stream of water.”  Again he said to them:  “If the law agrees with me, let the walls of this schoolhouse prove it.”  The walls began to shake and incline to fall.  Rabbi Joshua leaped up and rebuked the walls saying:  “When disciples of sages engage in legal dispute what is your relevance?”  In honor of Rabbi Joshua the walls did not tumble.  In honor or Rabbi Eliezer they did not right themselves, and are still inclined even to this day.  Again Rabbi Eliezer said to the sages:  “If the law agrees with me, let it be proved from Heaven.”  A divine voice came forth and said:  “Why do you dispute with Rabbi Eliezer, for in all matters the law agrees with him!”  But Rabbi Joshua rose to his feet again and exclaimed:  “It is not in heaven” [Deut. 30:12; implying that the divine law is now in human hands and open to human interpretation regardless of God’s position].  Some time later, Rabbi Nathan met the prophet Elijah and asked him:  “What did the Holy One, blessed be He, do when rebuked by Rabbi Joshua?”  Elijah replied:  “He laughed with joy saying ‘My children have defeated me, my children have defeated me.’” Babylonian Talmud, Bava Metzia 59a-b.]

In reply to Natas

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Andrea Shelor ** R6, QM6 H4 QN4 -
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Hi Natas,

thank you, this is a good one ;-)

LVX
Andrea

In reply to Andrea Shelor ** R6, QM6 H4 QN4

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Fair_Winds&Following_Seas -

Hello everyone, I know a joke hasn't been posted here in some time so I hope its acceptable to post one now, it's an old one but a good one. 


“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him.  Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”


Have a pleasant day everyone!


In Light,

FWFS

In reply to Fair_Winds&Following_Seas

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Oholiab Schildmann ** R6 QM6 H4 QN4 -
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Shalom FWFS!

Can't Stop laughing. Duo you know our video about the qabbalistic view in Jesus? 

In light

Oholiab

In reply to Oholiab Schildmann ** R6 QM6 H4 QN4

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Fair_Winds&Following_Seas -

Greeting Oholiab!

Glad you enjoyed the joke, and yes I have seen the video on Jesus on the BOEL YouTube channel. It was a very interesting change of pace from what I am used to hearing, and honestly I really appreciate seeing it; growing up nobody ever explained the reason why the Jewish people did not believe Jesus was the messiah so hearing it now has been very eye opening. If you would be able to pass my thanks on to the creator of the video i would be very appreciative.

In light,

FWFS 

In reply to Fair_Winds&Following_Seas

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Cantabo ad Solem -

On the other hand, it is indisputable that Jesus was Jewish, here is proof: At thirty years old, he still lived at home. He was in the same business as his father. He believed that his mother was a virgin. Finally, his mother believed he was G-D.

In reply to Andrea Shelor ** R6, QM6 H4 QN4

Re: Jewish Jokes

by Incarnate F.I. -
A certain woman was in her house and a master appeared knocking at her door. When she answered, he said: "I am traveling from this place to that, and am in need of bedding and a warm meal for the night. She invited him in and compassionately tended to him. She brought out a cot, and cooked food for him. She inquired of who he was, and he stated that he was a master of the mysteries. She said how could I know this to be true? He said, well, I don't perform miracles to show off, but since you have shown me such kindness, I could give you a miracle by my words. She disbelieved that he may be a miracle worker, and stated sceptically: "what kind of miracle will you perform"? He said a few mantra words, and then stated that anything that she chose to do next would multiply, replicate by itself in a neverending amount and that it would never stop to produce if she just set out for doing it immediately. He stated this knowing that she had a spindle for weaving gold threads for the royalty and clothes for the village people, and could sew an infinite amount of gold thread. She caught onto this cue and went to go into the sewing room, and thought about this saying: "well, what could it hurt?". She had been having to pee, and thought to herself: "I will think this out while I pee", so she went to the bathroom to relieve her bladder first.
The way it was told to me was beware of what you ask a master for.