A rabbi, a priest and a monk walk into a wine bar. The bartender takes one look at them and asks, "What's this? A joke?"
Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
;-)